Today was emotionally taxing. I felt like I absorbed all kinds of energy: good, bad, healing, painful, transforming, stilling, maybe even a little healing - the energy that brought me here in the first place. That healing stuff is the reason I left New York; why even after being pulled in all directions, the only one that resonated enough to hold my adult ADD was this floating city.
Life is funny; sometimes funny-haha! and sometimes funny - wtf? My heart hurt today and it got me thinking about the fickle nature of time and people. That no matter how "sure" you are of something, it will forever change. My question of the day was, "Why do the rules keep changing?" A question I have yet to answer. I'm not too scared because as much as I might be overwhelmed in this tiny pinpoint of time I find life here in Hawai'i... sustaining. As much as my brain pushes me to a constant stream of questioning, I don't want my actions to come from a place of fear, but I don't want to lie to myself either.
From different sources came the topic of "me" time and selfishness. Is it selfish to take time to figure out what you want? If so, what is the deadline until you say, "I'm just not that into you." What makes us so chicken$h*t that we keep people hanging? It's certainly not for their benefit. Let me explain: the way I see it, if you love someone you want them to be happy. Now, would you be happy if someone thought you wanted what they wanted but you really didn't? Would they?
From a different angle: if someone keeps using an excuse/reason for not doing what they say they're going to do instead of fessing up to their own insecurities and fears - is that love?
I guess it all boils down to knowing what is happening and then still choosing to put yourself in that position. But how can you know love from lovemist? Does the love diminish with practicality? or is it just the "in love" feeling that dissipates? And then... how many tears does it take before it's too much, does it have to be enough to fill an ocean or just enough to yank painfully at the heart?
Just one thing has remained constant. I'm in love with Hawai'i. With the way it makes me want to be the best version of myself, the way it makes me cry tears of joy and not pain, the way it somehow keeps me close and warm when I'm lost and discouraged. Like most places, people act as liason, but more than that, the vast embracing ocean does it's part to wash the salty tears away.
Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day; what was being the death of what is. Time to wait and see.